"I've been recognized!" That's what was going on in my head. And something was coming, something worse than death was coming. I was past panic. Total hysterical, terror.
I went about halfway into the concrete culvert, and there was still light to see by. I dug into my pack, and came up with a disposable razor, and shakily got the blades out.
To this day, I cannot recall what the horror that I "knew" was coming, actually was. I just know that in the state of mind I remember being in, suicide seemed a perfectly alternative to whatever was coming.
I pushed the blade into the thumb side of my wrist, and went down my forearm, without hitting an artery. Tried again on the other side. A lot of blood, but not enough to bleed out. I clumsily tried once on my right wrist, failing again to open an artery.
I remembered that there was an artery, and a bundle of nerves located on each side of the groin area. I lifted up and pushed my pants to my knees. I made a three in cut across where I assumed an artery was. Again, a lot of blood, but not enough. I made another cut across the other one, fail.
I was getting desperate. I actually reached into that x shaped cut, pulling out stringy veins and other stuff, severing them, trying to feel around for the artery I knew was there, somewhere. Nothing.
I was losing hope. I gave the other side of my groin a try. I must have sliced it, cause a the blood came spewing out in the shape of a foot high water fountain. I had done it! I watched, laughing, as the fountain would spew out blood, then get lower, syncing with the beat of my heart. I felt relief wash over me.
I watched it, grinning, as the fountain got lower and lower, until it was bubbling. I chuckled, then everything went black.
Obviously, I woke up, but that's another story. I didn't realize, until a few years ago, that my reaction, and subsequent suicide attempt, was "programming". Had to be. And they used an "unknown horror", per my self termination programming.
But I woke up. I swear I bled out. I somehow survived my termination programming. And those young people from that bus, were the trigger, and the voice in my head put me there, at the spot.
I swear to Almighty God, that all this is a Factual Account. '97, underneath I-40, AZ.